Nothing left to Say

Twenty minutes past midnight. Unusual. That’s how the whole scenario was. At an alien place at an unearthly hour, listening to the ambulance and police sirens, that was unusual. Seeing Sia’s lifeless body, prostrate in the bed, that was unusual.

‘Energetic’ ‘Indefatigable’ ‘Bubbly’….-these were words synonymous with my best friend. My best friends, who had the gift of gab and who had honed that gift to its peak – she coud speak, constantly, about every topic under the sun –now lay motionless on the bed, that was unusual.

I stood there waiting for my husband to arrive. For his reassuring hug, for him to tell me it was all going to be all right. My mind drifted, on its own accord, to my memories of Sia, the times we shared and the impact she’d had on my life. She had her own theories regarding life. Ironing clothes was a waste of time, belief in God was a sign of ignorance, tipping the waiter was mandatory- no matter how bad the food was. “He didn’t cook the food”, she’d say. While her theories were all too fine, they did not always concur with mine. And as opposites attract, this never was a hurdle in our relationship. Both of us felt the effort to iron out the differences was not worth it.

The theory of her that I completely disagreed with was her belief that relationship with men did not require a legal stamp on it. Marriage, she considered anathema imposed by the society. Her disgust for this institution that has bonded man and woman in civilization for centuries had its beginnings when her parents were divorced during her childhood.

Still brooding, I was shaken out of my reverie by the inspector. He handed me an envelope with my name written on it. Even through the tears in my eyes, I could recognize Sia’s petite handwriting. I slit it open to find a letter.

Dear Reva,

I know you must be mad at me, but believe me, I had no choice. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was wrong, wrong as ever, wrong always, dead wrong.
We always quarreled about the sanctity of marriage. In keeping my views, I decided to spend the rest of life with Gautham without getting married to him. All was fine. I loved life and was completely satisfied with the course it was taking. I still remember how disappointed I was when I heard of your marriage. Just a month into that ‘holy institution’, you were already cribbing about your husband’s late office hours and frequent business trips. Whenever I thought of how much I was getting out of life with Gautham, I pitied you for falling into the trap that was marriage.

“ life is a journey of many steps. We just stop along the way for a while and then move on. That’s the inevitable truth” –I whole-hearted agreed with Gautham’s proud words.

Until things began to change. Insecurity began to creep in. With him around, things were good, but the world turned into a mad-house when he didn’t return for months on end. The final blow was when I caught sight of you with your husband.I realized how happy you were. How you had everything and I had a lot of nothing. Inspite of your complaints, you had someone to count on at the end of the day. Someone who cared for you, someone who loved you.

I am sorry Reva, I was wrong.

Yours friend,
Sia.
The warmth of the hands that I felt on my shoulders told me that my husband was here. A brave girl, my best friend, had just ended her life. Why? Why did she?? Tears were spontaneous. In a bid to stem my tears, my husband held me close, looked into my eyes and sincerely said : life is a journey of many steps. We just stop along the way for a while and then move on. That’s the inevitable truth
There was nothing left to say.

Will she or will she not....

It was love at first sight… If there was somebody I had to spend my life with, it had to be him…Was I being unreasonable? What if I’d be disappointed? Gladly, I wasn’t. Who would be the first person I would be confiding to? Very naturally, my elder sister appeared on my mind and as I expected, she was proud of the choice I made. She never doubted me on that… The next three hurdles I would be facing? *My Closest friend *My younger sister and *My mother with the “fear-factor” sharply increasing in proportion to the order given… Like any best buddy is expected to be, my friend, has always been extra protective about me.. But one look, and her worries fizzled out in thin air and she truly believed he was the best thing that could ever happen to me. My younger sister, I knew would be a tough one to convince and why not, she certainly didn’t want me to go through the “series of unfortunate events” that she had been through... Her thing did not last for more time than I had taken to write my DSP exam as mom got to know about it. The reminiscence of her own dark past forced her to veil her happiness and pray for the best… My mother, her wrath is something I feared the most after work-load… I haven’t told her yet…But when I do, how is she going to react? Will I be put through the same torture that was inflicted on my sister? These are few questions which only time and my mom can answer.

The answer to the very obvious question in your mind is Yes, I did spend the entire week-end watching movies…but there is something else that I have done as well. Something ,which I hadn’t dared to do for years, fearing my mom’s reaction. So let me now rewind and play the entire story again.

It was love at first sight….Soha Ali Khan’s hair-do in the movie “Rang De Basanthi” was something I wanted to have since the day I was able to utter “MAA”…okie , that’s a little exaggeration but certainly since I watched her in the movie. Was I being unreasonable ? yeah, that was something I wanted to double check as I was always the first one to go in splits when people with four strands of hair ,came to parlor asking for Jennifer Aniston’s hairstyle. My trivial fears were shooed off in no time by the hair-stylist and her promising speech …STRIKE 1….Who would be the first person I would be confiding to? Very naturally my elder sister appeared on mind …when it comes to experimenting with my hair, with MY HAIR in quotes, she has always been supporting… As a matter of fact ,she wanted me to go for “ la Demi Moore in Ghost ”hair style…I promised her that was the next thing…So I meticulously planned this up to this Sunday as my parents were away.. STRIKE 2.. The next three hurdles I would be facing?... Before the conditioner’s effect attenuated ,I landed at my friend’s place.. her first reaction was “ what the $#@#” but eventually loved it and believed it to be the thing that had ever happened to moi hair…STRIKE 3….. My younger sister..yeah..she had to be the tough nut to crack… and again, there is a very disturbing story behind it…yeah ,you are right, most of the disturbing stories are associated to my younger sister…A year and a half back, my sister had cut her really short and was flaunting it through out the house, blissfully ignorant of the fact that my mom was close behind her heels…the very moment my sister stood dead in front of the mirror, mom took out her lethal weapon alias scissors and cut her hair randomly… The reminiscence of her own dark past forced her to veil her happiness and pray for the best for me…but she did have a fervent wish of restraining from showing it to mom until her university exams got over.. In her exact words,she said “ I do not want to miss it for the world”….STRIKE 4…. My mother, her wrath is something I feared the most after work-load… Normally ,it’s child’s play to talk her into anything but when it comes to idea of meddling with hair ,she’s as stubborn as they get …I guess it’s the old age that’s getting on her… c’mon, after all Rapunzel’s magnificent long hair did come to the aide of the enchantress to climbed up by it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven’t told her yet…But when I do, how is she going to react? Will I be put through the same torture that was inflicted on my sister? These are few questions which only time and my mom can answer .)

I am all outta love

Enough…had it enough!!!!!!…this Valentine’s day, no overhearing friend’s mushy conversation, no watching Jack Dawson drown the hundredth time and seriously, no harping over "Why Me God...??? Why Me With No Valentine" factual. As a matter of fact, this year, I am going to spend my time glorifying the most loved subject…(i.e) L*O*V*E…the most divine creations of Lord, the feeling makes you believe that the most beautiful thing in the universe, dwells in your mirror…the feeling that takes you to the most exotic locations sans the passport…the feeling that .. the feeling that… that…that…CRAP!!!!
Yes, that’s right, I am no ways an ardent fan of “love”...yeah, sure it does bring a few “fine moments” in life but I think, it’s the damages it causes that leaves an everlasting impression …. An impression that would shamelessly take precedence over clutches of other adversities…for instance like this…
1.I GOT CUP IN 2 SUBJECTS ,Mind Evaluates : why didn’t I do combine study with Sanjay..? Why did I make those friendly banters about the professor, her multi-colored sarees were none of my business ? Why did he leave me..? I liked him so much ? Where did it all go wrong ?
2. HOUSE RENT DUE, Mind evaluates: why didn’t I save money from the start…? Why did buy the good for nothing roti-maker, how did I forget I don’t cook..? Why did he leave me..? Where did it all go wrong…?

And the list of Love-Ache-Overshadow-rest goes ceaseless….anyways, While we are on the subject of valentine’s day, thought would share a few snips that have always boggled my grey cells
i) What’s with “will u be my valentine” ???

I have been through the biography of St Valentine quite a number of times and most of the records state that this poor chap was put behind bars for getting couples married secretly…and then there was this jailor’s daughter who hated to do household chores and to escape the same, hanged around with St Valentine, listening to his stories.. gossiping basically…so before dying, he thought he should show his gratitude to her for her resisted yawns and hence wrote a very informal letter with his sign below, Yours Valentine…guys don’t u get it ????? they were not the “madly in love” couple …all that they shared was a platonic relationship…had the jailor’s daughter known that “your’s valentine” wouldn’t become such a hit signifying “an expression of love”, she wouldn’t have showed off the letter in vanity to her friends or to the least, would have considered taking house-keeping lessons in the first place.
ii) Shopping or do we say “girls day out” ?

All what I read in “why women can’t read maps…” i.e about the impeccable sense of direction in men, comes to a standstill when we bring the subject “shopping for valentine”… seriously poor guys, don’t know where the shopping malls are!!!!!!!!!!!! My recent visit to Landmark (no, please don’t get ideas. I was there shopping nursery rhyme book for my niece) left me gaping as there was no vestige of man.. So guys, if do shop…now is the time, SPEAK UP!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer -This post was not written with the intention of toning down your spirits on Valentine, love and like-wise (though, that was always there on the back of my mind ,) ) ,but with a hope to hear back from someone who has different version of it...from someone who could defy my theory on it..Any Takers ???

Dil Chahtha Hai.....

It all looks like a bollywood flick to me…a happy go lucky gang of friends, who stick to each other through thick and thin, setting a sense of grudging admiration in the minds of onlookers .And then BANG!!!!!!! Villain enters the scene, bursts their happiness bubble, throws each of them into different states, no..lets take this internationally, into different countries…one turns into a Columbian drug dealer…one into a rocket scientist.. and one into a priest. And then they live happily-never after…ok,the answer to your obvious question is ,NO.. I haven’t spend the entire week-end watching movies….Its jus that 2 of my good friends have been shifted to different locations ( btw if you are still associating it to the story mentioned above, rockets have always been my fascination ) And if that reason isn’t satisfying enough ,the sandal i am wearing to office today, a by-product of slipping into my sister’s room in the morning is making a high pitched screeching noise much to the amusement of my colleagues around…I should have figured it out when my sister looked sound asleep.. Under normal circumstances, the scene is entirely different and disturbing..so people with heart ailments please skip what follows…it goes like this… you should look at the way she sleeps….You might mistake her for some angel for the faint smile she wears…After minutes of admiring her and most important, getting convinced that she actually is sleeping, I would step my feet into her wardrobe zone.. and then immediately ,some kind of virtual alarm in direct connection with her mouth, triggers and with blasphemous language, she throws me out of the room…..somehow I always fail to notice the instant at which the angel to devil transfiguration takes place….Probably the next time, I will….Coming back to what i was talking about, frankly,its not like these friends whom I am parting with , are my childhood-langoti friends..we met in the work place and bonded good...what annoys me most is the pattern....To make friends, get close with them and then part ways… Somehow good-byes ,have never sounded good to me…So here I am, left all alone in my cubicle with a talking shoe and a bout of depression…

It is at such times that we engage ourselves in self-retrospect…like Who Am I ? What Do I Want From Life? Why Is The Color Of My Eyes Black ? Why Did I Eat The Entire Cake ? Why Is Abhishek Bachan Marrying Aishwarya Rai…Oops,sorry... Change of track…but seriously why is he…???? And to carry out this self-analysis exercise, its always better to first have the suicide squad number handy …So that again is ruled out, leaving myself with only two choices. 1) to prepare for SCJP or 2) write my first post for the blog,that I had been planning to create for very long (If u guys are wondering why I haven't mentioned anything about the "four letter word" a.k.a WORK , I have some special sentiments behind it…I have placed it in equivalence to Lord Voldemort… He who is not to be spoken of…and I am sure I can expect you guys to respect my sentiments :) ) Sad jokes apart, this moment, missing my friends, the time I spent with them in school, college, canteen , pretended basket ball practice, culturals, bus ,training, coffee-breaks ,it struck me that I could never think of a better subject, timing and space to prelude my blog…This post is dedicated to all you guys who have touched my life in different ways…To satiate my own wandering soul,would end with a wise-crack that somebody recently shared…
"I Would Summarize My Understanding Of Life In Three Words :IT GOES ON –Robert Frost "

(( NOTE- trust me guys ,you don’t have to search for the SCJP e-books now, I promise I will try keeping myself away for some time .) ))